Friday, August 29, 2008
Friday, July 11, 2008
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Two Cows
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternati ves to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternati ves to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Older than Dirt
"Someone asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"
"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow."
"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"
"It was a place called 'at home,'" I explained. "Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."
By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.
My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and w hite, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.
I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and th e cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.
We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine."
I never had a telephone in my room. The only p hone i n the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at
4 AM every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?
MEMORIES from a frien d:
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a b unch o f holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.
How many do you remember?
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about. Ratings at the bottom.
1 Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigar ettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6 . Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S& H greenstamps
16 Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19 Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!
I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life.
Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends...
"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow."
"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"
"It was a place called 'at home,'" I explained. "Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."
By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.
My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and w hite, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.
I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and th e cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.
We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine."
I never had a telephone in my room. The only p hone i n the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at
4 AM every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?
MEMORIES from a frien d:
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a b unch o f holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.
How many do you remember?
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about. Ratings at the bottom.
1 Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigar ettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6 . Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S& H greenstamps
16 Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19 Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!
I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life.
Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends...
THINGS YOU DON'T HEAR ANYMORE
Be sure to refill the ice trays, we're going to have company after while.
Watch for the mailman, I want to get this letter to Aunt Mary in the mail today.
Quit slamming that screen door. Either stay in, or out!
Be sure and shut the windows when you leave, it looks like it might rain.
Don't forget to wind the clock before you go to bed.
Wash your feet before you go to bed, they're dirty from you playing outside all day barefooted.
Why can't you remember to roll up your pant legs? Getting them caught in the bicycle chain all the time is tearing them up.
You have torn the knees out of that pair of pants so many times there isn't anything left to put a patch on.
Don't you go outside with your good school clothes on!
Go comb your hair; it looks like the rats have nested in it all night.
Be sure and pour the cream off the top of the milk when you open that new bottle.
Take that empty bottle to the store with you so you won't have to pay a deposit on another one.
Put a dish towel over the cake to keep the flies off of it.
Quit jumping up and down on the floor! I have a cake in the oven!
Let me know when the Fuller Brush man comes by, I need to get a few things from him.
You boys stay close by, the car may not start and I'll need you to help push it.
There's a dollar in my purse, get 5 gallons of gas while you're in town.
Open the back door and see if we can get a breeze through here, it getting pretty warm.
You can walk to the store; the exercise will do you good.
Don't sit too close to that TV. It's hard on your eyes.
If you pull that stunt again, boy, I'm going to wear you out!
Don't lose that button; I'll sew it back on after while.
Wash good under your neck before you come to the table, you've got dirt all under there.
Stay out from under that sewing machine; pumping it messes up my thread!
Be sure and fill the lamps today so we don't have to do it tonight in the dark.
Here, take this old magazine to the toilet with you, we're almost out of paper out there.
Go out to the well and draw a bucket of water so I can wash these dishes.
Don't turn that radio on now, I want the battery to be up when the Grand Ole Opry comes on.
No, I don't have a dime for you to blow on a movie show. Do you think money grows on trees?
Eat those vegetables, they'll make you big and strong like your dad.
No, that dog is NOT coming in this house! If he gets cold he can go under the porch.
Sit still! I'm trying to cut your hair! You're squirming around like you've got ants in your pants.
Hush your mouth! If I hear one more word like that! I'm going to wash your mouth out with soap!
You probably just need your system cleaned out. Before you go to bed tonight, I'm going to give you a dose of castor oil.
If you get a spanking in school and I find out about it, you're going to get another one when you get home.
Quit crossing your eyes like that! Do you want them to get stuck that way?
We'll soak that foot in a pan of coal oil so the cut won't get infected.
Don't forget, when you take your driver's test today, arm straight out for a left turn; bent up at the elbow for a right turn; and straight down when you're going to stop.
It is: "Yes Ma'am!" and "No Ma'am!" when speaking to me, young man, and don't you ever forget it!
Watch for the mailman, I want to get this letter to Aunt Mary in the mail today.
Quit slamming that screen door. Either stay in, or out!
Be sure and shut the windows when you leave, it looks like it might rain.
Don't forget to wind the clock before you go to bed.
Wash your feet before you go to bed, they're dirty from you playing outside all day barefooted.
Why can't you remember to roll up your pant legs? Getting them caught in the bicycle chain all the time is tearing them up.
You have torn the knees out of that pair of pants so many times there isn't anything left to put a patch on.
Don't you go outside with your good school clothes on!
Go comb your hair; it looks like the rats have nested in it all night.
Be sure and pour the cream off the top of the milk when you open that new bottle.
Take that empty bottle to the store with you so you won't have to pay a deposit on another one.
Put a dish towel over the cake to keep the flies off of it.
Quit jumping up and down on the floor! I have a cake in the oven!
Let me know when the Fuller Brush man comes by, I need to get a few things from him.
You boys stay close by, the car may not start and I'll need you to help push it.
There's a dollar in my purse, get 5 gallons of gas while you're in town.
Open the back door and see if we can get a breeze through here, it getting pretty warm.
You can walk to the store; the exercise will do you good.
Don't sit too close to that TV. It's hard on your eyes.
If you pull that stunt again, boy, I'm going to wear you out!
Don't lose that button; I'll sew it back on after while.
Wash good under your neck before you come to the table, you've got dirt all under there.
Stay out from under that sewing machine; pumping it messes up my thread!
Be sure and fill the lamps today so we don't have to do it tonight in the dark.
Here, take this old magazine to the toilet with you, we're almost out of paper out there.
Go out to the well and draw a bucket of water so I can wash these dishes.
Don't turn that radio on now, I want the battery to be up when the Grand Ole Opry comes on.
No, I don't have a dime for you to blow on a movie show. Do you think money grows on trees?
Eat those vegetables, they'll make you big and strong like your dad.
No, that dog is NOT coming in this house! If he gets cold he can go under the porch.
Sit still! I'm trying to cut your hair! You're squirming around like you've got ants in your pants.
Hush your mouth! If I hear one more word like that! I'm going to wash your mouth out with soap!
You probably just need your system cleaned out. Before you go to bed tonight, I'm going to give you a dose of castor oil.
If you get a spanking in school and I find out about it, you're going to get another one when you get home.
Quit crossing your eyes like that! Do you want them to get stuck that way?
We'll soak that foot in a pan of coal oil so the cut won't get infected.
Don't forget, when you take your driver's test today, arm straight out for a left turn; bent up at the elbow for a right turn; and straight down when you're going to stop.
It is: "Yes Ma'am!" and "No Ma'am!" when speaking to me, young man, and don't you ever forget it!
25 Reasons I Owe My Mother
1. My mother taught me: TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me: RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me: TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me: LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me: MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me: FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me: IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me: CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother t aught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me: WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me: HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me: THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me: ENVY.
"There are millions of l ess fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. M y mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me: RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me: MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me: ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me: HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me: HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me: GENETICS.
"I swear you're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do y ou think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me: WISDOM ..
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me: RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me: TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me: LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me: MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me: FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me: IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me: CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother t aught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me: WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me: HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me: THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me: ENVY.
"There are millions of l ess fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. M y mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me: RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me: MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me: ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me: HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me: HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me: GENETICS.
"I swear you're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do y ou think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me: WISDOM ..
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!
I Believe
Birth Certificate shows that we were born;
A Death Certificate shows that we died;
Pictures show that we lived!
Have a seat . . . Relax . . . And read this slowly.
**********************************
I believe - That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do..
I believe - That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I believe - That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I believe - That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I believe - That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life
I believe - That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I believe - That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I believe - That you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I believe - That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I believe - That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I believe - That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I believe - That money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I believe - That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I believe - That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
I believe - That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I believe - That maturity has more to do with the experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I believe - That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I believe - That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I believe - That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I believe - That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life Forever.
I believe - Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I believe - That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I believe - That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.
I believe - That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I believe - That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
I believe - That you should send this to all of the people that you believe in. I just did.
The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have. ,
A Death Certificate shows that we died;
Pictures show that we lived!
Have a seat . . . Relax . . . And read this slowly.
**********************************
I believe - That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do..
I believe - That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I believe - That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I believe - That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I believe - That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life
I believe - That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I believe - That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I believe - That you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I believe - That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I believe - That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I believe - That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I believe - That money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I believe - That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I believe - That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
I believe - That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I believe - That maturity has more to do with the experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I believe - That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I believe - That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I believe - That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I believe - That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life Forever.
I believe - Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I believe - That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I believe - That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.
I believe - That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I believe - That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
I believe - That you should send this to all of the people that you believe in. I just did.
The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have. ,
Common Sense Obituary
My parents told me about Mr. Common Sense early in my life and told me I would do well to call on him when making decisions. It seems he was always around in my early years but less and less as time passed by. Today I read his obituary. Please join me in a moment of silence in remembrance, for Common Sense had served us all so well for so many generations.
Obituary of Common Sense
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student, but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common ! Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
Author unknown
Obituary of Common Sense
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student, but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common ! Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
Author unknown
Teachers and Police True Comments
>These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the
>New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but,
boy,
>are these funny!)
>
>1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started
>to dig.
>
>2. I would not allow this student to breed.
>
>3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
>
>4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
>
>5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
>achieve them.
>
>6 The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it
>all together .
>
>7. This child has been working with glue too much.
>
>8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
>
>9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
>
>10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
>week.
>
>11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out
>1,000,000 others.
>
>12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
>
>These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around
>the country:
>
>16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went
>through."
>
>15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
>after you wear them a while."
>
>14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a
>worthless document."
>
>13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
>
>12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed
>of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
>
>11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write
>anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
>
>10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
>will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
>
>9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again
or
>I'll give you another ticket."
>
>8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or
>not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
>
>7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to
>ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
>
>6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven
>.."
>
>5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
>
>4 "How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
>
>3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed
>to write as many tickets as we can."
>
>2 "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of
>yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
>
>AND THE WINNER IS....
>
>1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.
>Sign here."
>
>New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but,
boy,
>are these funny!)
>
>1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started
>to dig.
>
>2. I would not allow this student to breed.
>
>3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
>
>4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
>
>5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
>achieve them.
>
>6 The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it
>all together .
>
>7. This child has been working with glue too much.
>
>8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
>
>9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
>
>10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
>week.
>
>11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out
>1,000,000 others.
>
>12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
>
>These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around
>the country:
>
>16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went
>through."
>
>15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
>after you wear them a while."
>
>14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a
>worthless document."
>
>13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
>
>12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed
>of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
>
>11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write
>anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
>
>10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
>will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
>
>9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again
or
>I'll give you another ticket."
>
>8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or
>not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
>
>7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to
>ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
>
>6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven
>.."
>
>5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
>
>4 "How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
>
>3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed
>to write as many tickets as we can."
>
>2 "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of
>yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
>
>AND THE WINNER IS....
>
>1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.
>Sign here."
>
Monday, April 28, 2008
What Does Love Mean? ..from a child's prospective.
'When my grandmother got arthritis,
she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.
So my grandfather does it for her all the time,
even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'
Rebecca- age 8
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'
Billy - age 4
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.'
Karl - age 5
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.'
Chrissy - age 6
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'
Terri - age 4
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'
Danny - age 7
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss'
Emily - age 8
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.'
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,'
Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.'
Noelle - age 7
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.'
Tommy - age 6
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'
Cindy - age 8
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'My mommy loves me more than anybody
You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'
Clare - age 6
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'
Elaine-age 5
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.'
Chris - age 7
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.'
Mary Ann - age 4
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'
Lauren - age 4
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image)
Karen - age 7
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.'
Mark - age 6
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.'
Jessica - age 8
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And the final one...
The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,
'Nothing, I just helped him cry.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.
So my grandfather does it for her all the time,
even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'
Rebecca- age 8
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'
Billy - age 4
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.'
Karl - age 5
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.'
Chrissy - age 6
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'
Terri - age 4
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'
Danny - age 7
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss'
Emily - age 8
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.'
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,'
Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.'
Noelle - age 7
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.'
Tommy - age 6
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'
Cindy - age 8
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'My mommy loves me more than anybody
You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'
Clare - age 6
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'
Elaine-age 5
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.'
Chris - age 7
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.'
Mary Ann - age 4
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'
Lauren - age 4
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image)
Karen - age 7
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.'
Mark - age 6
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.'
Jessica - age 8
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And the final one...
The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,
'Nothing, I just helped him cry.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Could you have passed the 8th grade...in 1895
Remember when grandparents and great-grandparents stated that they only had an 8th grade education? Well, check this out. Could any of us have passed the 8th grade in 1895? (LOOK CLOSELY... THAT'S EIGHTEEN NINETY FIVE!)
This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 in Salina, Kansas, USA. It was taken from the original document on file at the Smokey Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina, KS, and reprinted by the Salina Journal.
8th Grade Final Exam: Salina, KS -1895 ********************************
Grammar (Time, one hour)
1. Give nine rules for the use of capital letters.
2. Name the parts of speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define verse, stanza and paragraph.
4. What are the principal parts of a verb? Give principal parts of "lie," "play,"' and "run."
5. Define case; Illustrate each case.
6. What is punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of punctuation.
7 - 10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.
*****************************************
Arithmetic (Time, 1.25 hours)
1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3942 lbs., what is it worth at 50cts/bushel, deducting 1050 lbs. for tare?
4. District No. 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find the cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $20 per metre?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance of which is 640 rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt.
********************************************
U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)
1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided..
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus.
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States.
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas.
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, 1865..
*******************************************
Orthography (Time, one hour) (WHAT IS THIS ANYHOW?)
1. What is meant by the following: Alphabet, phonetic, orthography, etymology, syllabication
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: Trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals
4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u.' (HUH?)
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e.' Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: bi, dis, mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, sup.
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences: cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane, vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.
*********************************************
Geography (Time, one hour)
1. What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of North America.
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco.
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S.
7. Name all the republics of Europe and give the capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give the inclination of the earth.
**********************************************
Notice that the exam took SIX HOURS to complete. Gives the saying "he only had an 8th grade education" a whole new meaning, doesn't it?! Also shows you how poor our education system has become...
This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 in Salina, Kansas, USA. It was taken from the original document on file at the Smokey Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina, KS, and reprinted by the Salina Journal.
8th Grade Final Exam: Salina, KS -1895 ********************************
Grammar (Time, one hour)
1. Give nine rules for the use of capital letters.
2. Name the parts of speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define verse, stanza and paragraph.
4. What are the principal parts of a verb? Give principal parts of "lie," "play,"' and "run."
5. Define case; Illustrate each case.
6. What is punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of punctuation.
7 - 10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.
*****************************************
Arithmetic (Time, 1.25 hours)
1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3942 lbs., what is it worth at 50cts/bushel, deducting 1050 lbs. for tare?
4. District No. 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find the cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $20 per metre?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance of which is 640 rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt.
********************************************
U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)
1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided..
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus.
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States.
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas.
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, 1865..
*******************************************
Orthography (Time, one hour) (WHAT IS THIS ANYHOW?)
1. What is meant by the following: Alphabet, phonetic, orthography, etymology, syllabication
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: Trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals
4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u.' (HUH?)
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e.' Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: bi, dis, mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, sup.
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences: cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane, vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.
*********************************************
Geography (Time, one hour)
1. What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of North America.
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco.
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S.
7. Name all the republics of Europe and give the capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give the inclination of the earth.
**********************************************
Notice that the exam took SIX HOURS to complete. Gives the saying "he only had an 8th grade education" a whole new meaning, doesn't it?! Also shows you how poor our education system has become...
People Who make a Difference
The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator of the 'Peanuts' comic strip. You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just read the e-mail straight through, and you'll get the point.
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.
How did you do?
The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners .
Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with .
Easier?
The lesson:
The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care .
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.
How did you do?
The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners .
Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with .
Easier?
The lesson:
The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care .
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
THE FOLLOWING IMMIGRATION LAWS ARE PROPOSED...
1 There will be no special bilingual programs in the schools.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
2. All ballots will be in this nation's language.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
3.. All government business will be conducted in our language.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
4. Non-residents will NOT have the right to vote no matter how long they are here.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
5. Non-citizens will NEVER be able to hold political office.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
6 Foreigners will not be a burden to the taxpayers. No welfare, no food stamps, no health care, or other government assistance programs. Any burden will be deported.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
7. Foreigners can invest in this country, but it must be an amount at least equal to 40,000 times the daily minimum wage.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
8. If foreigners come here and buy land... options will be restricted. Certain parcels including waterfront and border property are reserved for citizens naturally born into this country.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
9.. Foreigners may have no protests; no demonstrations, no waving of a foreign flag, no political organizing, no bad-mouthing our president or his policies. These will lead to deportation.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
10. If you do come to this country illegally, you will be actively hunted &, when caught, sent to jail until your deportation can be arranged. All assets will be taken from you..{This recently changed, you are no longer immediately taken to jail. However, I expect it still applies to any Central Americans working there.}
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Harsh, you say?.......
The above laws are current immigration laws of MEXICO
Theses are just what the USA needs.
NO Exceptions !!!!!!!!
NO Political Correctness !!!!!!
Pass this on if you agree these rules need to be discussed by your state and the federal government!!!!!
1 There will be no special bilingual programs in the schools.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
2. All ballots will be in this nation's language.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
3.. All government business will be conducted in our language.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
4. Non-residents will NOT have the right to vote no matter how long they are here.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
5. Non-citizens will NEVER be able to hold political office.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
6 Foreigners will not be a burden to the taxpayers. No welfare, no food stamps, no health care, or other government assistance programs. Any burden will be deported.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
7. Foreigners can invest in this country, but it must be an amount at least equal to 40,000 times the daily minimum wage.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
8. If foreigners come here and buy land... options will be restricted. Certain parcels including waterfront and border property are reserved for citizens naturally born into this country.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
9.. Foreigners may have no protests; no demonstrations, no waving of a foreign flag, no political organizing, no bad-mouthing our president or his policies. These will lead to deportation.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
10. If you do come to this country illegally, you will be actively hunted &, when caught, sent to jail until your deportation can be arranged. All assets will be taken from you..{This recently changed, you are no longer immediately taken to jail. However, I expect it still applies to any Central Americans working there.}
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Harsh, you say?.......
The above laws are current immigration laws of MEXICO
Theses are just what the USA needs.
NO Exceptions !!!!!!!!
NO Political Correctness !!!!!!
Pass this on if you agree these rules need to be discussed by your state and the federal government!!!!!
Note From Jay Leno
Jay Leno wrote this; it's the Jay Leno we don't often see....
'The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some poll data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true, given the source, right?
The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the direction the country is headed, and 69 percent of the country is unhappy with the performance of the President. In essence, 2/3's of the citizenry just ain't happy and want a change.
So being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, ''What are we so unhappy about?''
Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 days a week?
Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and heating in the winter?
Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks have a job?
Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time, and see more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year?
Maybe it is the ability to drive from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through each state?
Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the way that can provide temporary shelter?
I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the world is just not good enough.
Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and
Provide services to help all, and even send a helicopter to take you to the hospital.
Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home. You may be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top notch equipment to extinguish the flames thus saving you, your family and your belongings.
Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or prowler intrudes , an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss.
This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where 90 percent of teenagers own cell phones and computers.
How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world?
Maybe that is what has 67 percent of you folks unhappy.
Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S. , yet has a great disdain for its citizens. They see us for what we are. The most blessed people in the world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have , and what we hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here.
I know, I know. What about the President who took us into war and has no plan to get us out? The President who has a measly 31 percent approval rating? Is this the same President who guided the nation in the dark days after 9/11? The President that cut taxes to bring an economy out of recession? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the book for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled ungrateful brats safe from terrorist attacks?
The Commander-In Chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending you and me? Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or talk show? Did this news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't take a look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad?
Think about it...are you upset at the President because he actually caused you personal pain OR is it because the 'Media' told you he was failing to kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day.
Make no mistake about it. The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom. There is currently no draft in this country. They didn't have to go.
They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ''general'' discharge, an ''other than honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a ''dishonorable'' discharge after a few days in the brig.
So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69 percent of Americans? Say what you want, but I blame it on the media. If it bleeds, it leads; and they specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a car crash with blood and guts. How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the corner? The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations. They offer what sells , and when criticized, try to defend their actions by 'justifying' them in one way or another. Just ask why they tried to allow a murderer like O.J. Simpson to write a book about 'how he didn't kill his wife, but if he did he would have done it this way'...Insane!
Stop buying the negativism you are fed everyday by the media. Shut off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the bottom of your bird cage. Then start being grateful for all we have as a country. There is exponentially more good than bad.
We are among the most blessed people on Earth, and should thank God several times a day, or at least be thankful and appreciative.
'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, 'Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'
Jay Leno
2007
Please keep this in circulation. There are so many people that need to read this and grasp the truth of it all.
'The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some poll data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true, given the source, right?
The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the direction the country is headed, and 69 percent of the country is unhappy with the performance of the President. In essence, 2/3's of the citizenry just ain't happy and want a change.
So being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, ''What are we so unhappy about?''
Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 days a week?
Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and heating in the winter?
Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks have a job?
Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time, and see more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year?
Maybe it is the ability to drive from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through each state?
Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the way that can provide temporary shelter?
I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the world is just not good enough.
Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and
Provide services to help all, and even send a helicopter to take you to the hospital.
Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home. You may be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top notch equipment to extinguish the flames thus saving you, your family and your belongings.
Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or prowler intrudes , an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss.
This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where 90 percent of teenagers own cell phones and computers.
How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world?
Maybe that is what has 67 percent of you folks unhappy.
Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S. , yet has a great disdain for its citizens. They see us for what we are. The most blessed people in the world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have , and what we hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here.
I know, I know. What about the President who took us into war and has no plan to get us out? The President who has a measly 31 percent approval rating? Is this the same President who guided the nation in the dark days after 9/11? The President that cut taxes to bring an economy out of recession? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the book for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled ungrateful brats safe from terrorist attacks?
The Commander-In Chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending you and me? Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or talk show? Did this news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't take a look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad?
Think about it...are you upset at the President because he actually caused you personal pain OR is it because the 'Media' told you he was failing to kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day.
Make no mistake about it. The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom. There is currently no draft in this country. They didn't have to go.
They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ''general'' discharge, an ''other than honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a ''dishonorable'' discharge after a few days in the brig.
So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69 percent of Americans? Say what you want, but I blame it on the media. If it bleeds, it leads; and they specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a car crash with blood and guts. How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the corner? The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations. They offer what sells , and when criticized, try to defend their actions by 'justifying' them in one way or another. Just ask why they tried to allow a murderer like O.J. Simpson to write a book about 'how he didn't kill his wife, but if he did he would have done it this way'...Insane!
Stop buying the negativism you are fed everyday by the media. Shut off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the bottom of your bird cage. Then start being grateful for all we have as a country. There is exponentially more good than bad.
We are among the most blessed people on Earth, and should thank God several times a day, or at least be thankful and appreciative.
'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, 'Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'
Jay Leno
2007
Please keep this in circulation. There are so many people that need to read this and grasp the truth of it all.
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