Two Cows

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternati ves to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

Older than Dirt

"Someone asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"

"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow."

"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"



"It was a place called 'at home,'" I explained. "Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."



By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:


Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.



My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and w hite, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.




I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and th e cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.



We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine."




I never had a telephone in my room. The only p hone i n the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.



Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.




All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at

4 AM every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.




Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them




If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.



Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?


MEMORIES from a frien d:



My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a b unch o f holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.

Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz:

Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about. Ratings at the bottom.

1 Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigar ettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6 . Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)

12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S& H greenstamps
16 Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19 Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins

24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life.

Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends...

THINGS YOU DON'T HEAR ANYMORE

Be sure to refill the ice trays, we're going to have company after while.

Watch for the mailman, I want to get this letter to Aunt Mary in the mail today.

Quit slamming that screen door. Either stay in, or out!

Be sure and shut the windows when you leave, it looks like it might rain.



Don't forget to wind the clock before you go to bed.

Wash your feet before you go to bed, they're dirty from you playing outside all day barefooted.



Why can't you remember to roll up your pant legs? Getting them caught in the bicycle chain all the time is tearing them up.

You have torn the knees out of that pair of pants so many times there isn't anything left to put a patch on.



Don't you go outside with your good school clothes on!

Go comb your hair; it looks like the rats have nested in it all night.

Be sure and pour the cream off the top of the milk when you open that new bottle.

Take that empty bottle to the store with you so you won't have to pay a deposit on another one.



Put a dish towel over the cake to keep the flies off of it.

Quit jumping up and down on the floor! I have a cake in the oven!

Let me know when the Fuller Brush man comes by, I need to get a few things from him.

You boys stay close by, the car may not start and I'll need you to help push it.



There's a dollar in my purse, get 5 gallons of gas while you're in town.

Open the back door and see if we can get a breeze through here, it getting pretty warm.



You can walk to the store; the exercise will do you good.

Don't sit too close to that TV. It's hard on your eyes.



If you pull that stunt again, boy, I'm going to wear you out!

Don't lose that button; I'll sew it back on after while.



Wash good under your neck before you come to the table, you've got dirt all under there.

Stay out from under that sewing machine; pumping it messes up my thread!

Be sure and fill the lamps today so we don't have to do it tonight in the dark.



Here, take this old magazine to the toilet with you, we're almost out of paper out there.

Go out to the well and draw a bucket of water so I can wash these dishes.

Don't turn that radio on now, I want the battery to be up when the Grand Ole Opry comes on.



No, I don't have a dime for you to blow on a movie show. Do you think money grows on trees?

Eat those vegetables, they'll make you big and strong like your dad.

No, that dog is NOT coming in this house! If he gets cold he can go under the porch.



Sit still! I'm trying to cut your hair! You're squirming around like you've got ants in your pants.

Hush your mouth! If I hear one more word like that! I'm going to wash your mouth out with soap!

You probably just need your system cleaned out. Before you go to bed tonight, I'm going to give you a dose of castor oil.

If you get a spanking in school and I find out about it, you're going to get another one when you get home.



Quit crossing your eyes like that! Do you want them to get stuck that way?

We'll soak that foot in a pan of coal oil so the cut won't get infected.

Don't forget, when you take your driver's test today, arm straight out for a left turn; bent up at the elbow for a right turn; and straight down when you're going to stop.



It is: "Yes Ma'am!" and "No Ma'am!" when speaking to me, young man, and don't you ever forget it!

25 Reasons I Owe My Mother

1. My mother taught me: TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me: RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me: TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me: LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me: MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me: FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me: IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me: CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother t aught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me: WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me: HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me: THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me: ENVY.
"There are millions of l ess fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. M y mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me: RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me: MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me: ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me: HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me: HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me: GENETICS.
"I swear you're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do y ou think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me: WISDOM ..
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!

I Believe

Birth Certificate shows that we were born;
A Death Certificate shows that we died;
Pictures show that we lived!

Have a seat . . . Relax . . . And read this slowly.

**********************************

I believe - That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do..

I believe - That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I believe - That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I believe - That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I believe - That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life

I believe - That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I believe - That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I believe - That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I believe - That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I believe - That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I believe - That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I believe - That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe - That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I believe - That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I believe - That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I believe - That maturity has more to do with the experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I believe - That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe - That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I believe - That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe - That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life Forever.

I believe - Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I believe - That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I believe - That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.

I believe - That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I believe - That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I believe - That you should send this to all of the people that you believe in. I just did.

The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have. ,

Common Sense Obituary

My parents told me about Mr. Common Sense early in my life and told me I would do well to call on him when making decisions. It seems he was always around in my early years but less and less as time passed by. Today I read his obituary. Please join me in a moment of silence in remembrance, for Common Sense had served us all so well for so many generations.

Obituary of Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student, but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common ! Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Author unknown

Teachers and Police True Comments

>These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the
>New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but,
boy,
>are these funny!)
>
>1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started
>to dig.
>
>2. I would not allow this student to breed.
>
>3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
>
>4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
>
>5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
>achieve them.
>
>6 The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it
>all together .
>
>7. This child has been working with glue too much.
>
>8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
>
>9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
>
>10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
>week.
>
>11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out
>1,000,000 others.
>
>12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
>
>These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around
>the country:
>
>16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went
>through."
>
>15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
>after you wear them a while."
>
>14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a
>worthless document."
>
>13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
>
>12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed
>of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
>
>11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write
>anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
>
>10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
>will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
>
>9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again
or
>I'll give you another ticket."
>
>8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or
>not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
>
>7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to
>ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
>
>6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven
>.."
>
>5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
>
>4 "How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
>
>3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed
>to write as many tickets as we can."
>
>2 "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of
>yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
>
>AND THE WINNER IS....
>
>1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.
>Sign here."
>